Everything You Did & Didn’t Want to Know About Sex Toys

& Featured Top 10 Toy List for 2022!

Sex toys are fantastic tools in the quest for sexual wellness.  Sex toys are not only for individual excursions.  Their use extends from solo self-care to rekindling desire and encouraging exploration in short- and long-term relationships.  Let’s be real; sex toys are F-U-N!  You can’t say the words without smiling (go on, I dare you).  As a public service, and due diligence as a self-proclaimed sex toy advocate and enthusiast, this article will provide a brief tour through:

  • The incredibly prominent history of ancient sex toys
  • The diabolically diagnosed ‘hysteria’ and its sinsational treatment options
  • The celebrated evolution of sex toys
  • Sex toy care, maintenance & disposal
  • Creative sex toy DIY projects showcased in Men’s Forums
  • The physical and mental health benefits of self-maintenance; and
  • The TOP 10 Must-Have Toys for 2022

It Appears We All Have Our Little Helpers?

A staggering amount of American women over 18 years old own a vibrator, 80% to be exact.  The most popular choice is a realistic-looking phallus.  See fellas?  We do think the peen is pretty.  Interestingly, finding statistics of men who own sex toys is incredibly outdated.  Surprisingly, most recent figures show that only 66% of men readily admit to purchasing them.  I find this odd as every adult store I have been a patron of requires a modest glance for a headcount usually revealing me outnumbered 5 to 1.  I may be visiting at the wrong time.  I lurk in the daylight hours.

I will say that over the years, access to sex toys has progressed.  What used to be poorly-maintained buildings ominously glowing under the hum of flickering neon light in the industrial district have flourished to majestic Adult Emporiums with vast inventory and inviting greeters as if entering a friend’s home.  Speaking of homes, women frequently host sex toy (or girl) parties.  These parties are usually accompanied by a NonDisclosure Agreement while imbibing wine and examining varieties of toys and accessories.  For the record, women swap sex stories (if your girl tells you she didn’t, you are being lied to).  We giggle into the night feeling empowered as we unleash our inner goddesses to frolic in delightful deviancy and pillow fights in lacey goods.  Just kidding, mostly we bond in sisterhood by justifying spending more on toys than we said we would.

Finally, let us not forget the omnipresent internet and convenient digital downloads with plentiful free porn.  I love America; let your freak flag fly!  So, how did it come to pass that we can indulge in our sensuality, embrace sexual wellness, and tease glimpses of preferred intimate tastes in public venues like Las Vegas fetish conventions?  I thought you would never ask!  Ladies and gentlemen, start your vibrating engines.

Sex Toys: An Origin Story

One of the most ancient civilizations was the Indus Valley which dates back approximately 8,000 years.  The oldest religion is Hinduism, which clocks in at about 4,000 years ago.  The oldest known dildo—wait for it—30,000 years old and made of chalk.  Wait, what?!  Yes, in case you missed it, the oldest dildo predates the oldest known civilization and religionRead that again.  If you are thinking this is a one-time fluke thing, guess again.  Another dildo excavated is approximately 28,000 years old and features a generous, girthy 8 inches of stone that was found in Germany.  Here’s a German word: überdimensionalDo you have any idea how long it would take to craft a stone penis?  It’s not like there was a Harbor Freight on the corner.  The patience required is commendable.  I would whack the stone against a rock one time and completely lose interest. 

30,000 year old clay dildo
Getty Images

You are probably asking yourself, how is a dildo immensely older than civilization and religion?  The answer: probably much the same way the sports cup came 100 years before the sports helmet.  Priorities.  As long as there have been humans stomping around the earth, there have been sex toys made from stone, bone, and wood.  That’s right, toys–the dildo wasn’t the only pleasure tool crafted.  Jade butt plugs, bronze strap ons, double-sided dildos, and Ben Wa balls were all the rage throughout the Ancient world.  But, don’t get too excited, ladies.  Not all toys were geared towards women.  Ben Wa balls were widely used by men to insert into their penis for sexual potency and pleasure.  The larger version of Ben Wa balls for women was introduced later.

In Ancient Greek culture, old bread or baguettes were fashioned into dildos.  Waste naught want naught, am I right?  The Greeks are infamous for debauchery and remarkable, unbridled kink to enhance the sexual experience of both parties.  Many of the ancient sex toys discussed here are for both male and female pleasure.  One thing to note is that a sexual repression cloud materialized over women at some point; this will be important later.  The cause and timeframe are largely debated and outside the scope of this article, however; this does lead us into womanly fits of hysteria.

Bytches Be Crazy Till 1980

Egyptian Crazy

In 1900 BC, Egyptians were convinced the uterus was an independent organ that could free-float out of place at will.  The free-range uterus literally had a mind of its own.  When the uterus was out of place, the woman would suffer several ailments.  Ailments would include anything from depression to headaches.  The list was a catch-all list of symptoms known as hysteria. However, it wasn’t called hysteria yet.  It was critical to get that rebellious uterus back to where it belonged when it was roaming.  To call the uterus back, women would place wonderful scents near the vagina and unpleasant odors by the nose.  Unless, of course, that pesky uterus had moved down the body, then the scents were reversed until the uterus returned to its proper station.

Greek Crazy

The Greeks put their spin on things.  According to them, there was a group of women who refused to worship a phallus.  Clearly, they were seen as certifiably crazy.  Melampus, a Greek physician, believed these women’s uteruses had been poisoned due to the absence of orgasms.  The lack of orgasms caused the uterus to suffer from melancholy.  The good doctor prescribed virile young men to lay with the women, and voila! They were cured.

Melampus made the first connection between the lack of sex and madness.  His Greek colleagues: Plato, Aristotle, and Hippocrates, backed this theory.  So, let me just repeat this theory so we all understand it.  It helps to say it out loud.  The free-range roaming uterus would be sad if it could not join with a male phallus regularly, causing it to search for a phallus and render an otherwise good woman into a complete nutjob.  

Look, I don’t entirely disagree.  Hippocrates, also a physician, coined the term hysteria in the 5th Century BC and was careful to differentiate it from epilepsy.  He decreed that a uterus would emit toxins that could lead to paralysis.  The womanly canals needed to be opened regularly so these toxins could evacuate.  The struggle with hysteria becomes real.

Hysteria Can Be Cured! Come Again? With A What?

Through the centuries, renowned psychiatrists and doctors diagnosed hysteria so often that it was as common as a basic cold. There were epidemics of hysteria inflicting thousands of women in several countries.  It seemed the cure may have largely spread the illness.  This is where it gets even more bizarre.

If you have ever had the privilege of watching The Road To Wellville or, better yet, Hysteria, both films showcase the awkward (yet pleasurable) treatments to cure hysteria.  This is one of those times where truth is better than fiction.  To cure hysteria, doctors would insert one or two fingers into the vagina.  They would rest their palm on the clitoris.  Then, gently vibrating their palm to stimulate the clitoris, they would massage to produce a … hysterical paroxysm.  A what?

First, we should explain that during this time period, women didn’t have sexual urges or orgasms.  They had medical conditions and hysterical paroxysms.  I’m relatively certain the Docs could call it whatever they wanted to as long as one was achieved.  Not much has changed in that department over the years.  Not surprisingly, doctor offices across multiple countries were overflowing with women needing the cure (more than once).  I imagine nowadays we could compare the line to acquiring Starbucks on a Friday morning.  Some women were going for the cure 2 to 3 times per week. The medical field soon realized this service was obscenely lucrative.  

Clitoral stimulation is essential to a woman’s orga- , erm, hysterical paroxysm.  The art of achieving ‘the cure’ requires more from a partner than the obligatory, ‘I’m so happy to be here’ pump and dump.  This may be why so many married women, not just single or widowed, required the cure.  There was one little caveat.  The doctors, midwives, nurses, and traveling healers performing the cure to a demanding public were developing fatigue and soreness in their hands.  Inventions have always been fueled by demand, and baby–demand was hopping.  What everyone needed was automation.  Americans are master capitalists. Can I get an Amen?

The Manipulator

In 1869, Dr. George Taylor patented the first steam-powered vibrator.  Dr. Taylor cautioned that women should be closely supervised to prevent overindulging themselves.  I couldn’t even type that with a straight face.  The Manipulator was a game-changer.  By 1902, with the introduction of electricity in the home, vibrators were the 5th most purchased home appliance beating the vacuum and iron by a decade.  Girl power!  A tour through the Good Vibrations: Antique Vibrator Museum should be on every woman’s bucket list. 

The Manipulator
ABC News

Ads for ‘personal massagers’ appeared in every womanly magazine, including Needlecraft and Sears & Roebeck.  Vibrators became a medical miracle, and no home was complete without one.  The men were elated that a cure was so readily available to their wives.  Women would no longer suffer between doctor’s visits.  Then, something happened to end the good vibrations.

Movies Killed The Bedroom Star

Movies were invented in 1890.  What does this have to do with vibrators, you may ask?  Listen closely: Pornography was filmed in 1891.  During the 1920s, vibrators were introduced in stag films.  Let’s set the stage.

The devoted husband attends a viewing of the weekly stag film to relieve stress before coming home to the wife.  As expected, the woman on the screen seductively strips and suddenly whips out…his wife’s personal massager!  The blood drains from his face, his fists clench, and he realizes that is no medical device!  Flashbacks flood his mind of his wife disappearing with a whir behind closed doors, and things click into place (she didn’t even let him watch).  BOOM, the enlightenment crashes reality, encroaches on his fantasy, and threatens his manhood.

What I wouldn’t give to have been a fly on the crusted wall of one of those movie houses seeing that go down.  I don’t care who you are; that hot mess of a scene would be the best drama on TV.  Unfortunately, as word got out about the cloaked personal massagers, vibrator ads were ripped out of magazines and became inaccessible and hard to find.  That is until the sexual revolution of the 1970s and the introduction of the Hitachi Magic Wand.

Sex Toy Evolution: Time To Get Our Freak On

The feminist movement paved the way for women to embrace their sensuality and celebrate their sexuality.  Hysteria remained in the psychology books as a thing until 1980.  TV Shows like Sex in the City exalted the use of sex toys and broke the mold of sexual repression.  Hoo-rah!  However, something that does have some room for improvement is toy etiquette.

Basic Toy Etiquette Courtesy of a Sketchy Toy Store

I write this for the benefit of all sex toy sellers and patrons.  When I was a naive, delicate country bumpkin, I visited the big city with my husband. I had a ‘hold my beer moment’ of liquid courage and ventured into one of those dimly lit adult stores where the artificial light flatters no one.  It was everything I thought it would be, consumers huddled in shy uniformity around endless dusty shelves of glorious porn and enticing equipment.  My courage escaped me right after I walked through the door and awkwardly bumped into a man leaving with his package. 

I thought, ‘Do I say excuse me?’ 

Nope, you pretend you saw nothing and no one as he hastily clutches his box and briskly walks out the door. 

I thought ‘Head down.  Just keep swimming.’

My husband capitalized on the opportunity to take me by the hand on a grandiose expedition of depravity throughout the store with a ballsy strut.  Bless him.  I breathed with relief when our selections were made, and we were standing at the counter.  Soon we would be free from the glances of other shoppers that, in my mind, were giving my husband visual high-fives with their not-so-subtle nods to each other.  The cashier, to my horror, took the toy I had selected out of the package.

My mind screamed, “He’s touching it!” 

My skin crawled as I fainted inside.  My eyes were as big as saucers when I looked at my husband.  He looked back, and the fucker chuckled at me and reassured me this was a common thing.  My face paled as the cashier gave the toy a once over and:  put batteries in it, turned it on, and put it on the counter. 

The vibrations roared through my ears as I stood stunned while the dildo crawled atop the countertop not only in front of me but within view of all the guys in the line that had formed behind me.  I wanted to die as I watched the dildo roll across the counter in miniature convulsions.  The cashier nodded, picked up the dildo, took out the batteries, put it back in its container, and then placed it in a black bag for discretion.  REALLY?!  Now we are concerned with discretion?!  Bless the internet.

Discretion is a Gift

I have come a long way since that shy country girl stepped into a sex store.  But, there was one more incident I think deserves mentioning.  I am a casual gamer, and in my games, I have met several people.  One of which has become a close friend who happens to be a guy.  On our FIRST meeting, we went to the Consumer Electronics Show in Vegas, which is a pretty big deal.  During the convention, we visited a booth in robotics that had won several awards. Since their specialty was sex toys owned by a woman who had fought the political battle to be in the Women’s Health Robotics section, we wanted to see the new wonders and gadgets.

Now, let’s be clear.  I have no problem viewing sex toys with other people at a convention.  That fear died after the seedy adult store episode.  But, when you are standing with your friend that you just met and a lady is holding a ginormous vibrating dildo in her hand while having a conversation with both of you – where exactly are you supposed to look?  At the impressive robotic dildo?  In her eyes, as she explains what the rotating does to your body as it spins in her hand?  At her breasts – because frankly, I got turned on.  I mean, can you honestly pay attention to what she is saying while that thing wobbles precariously in her hand?

This battering ram of a device was shaking so violently in her palm that you could hear the tremors in her voice.  It was sexy as hell.  As for words, all I heard is the wa wa wa wa, like on a Snoopy episode.  Rules of Engagement:  If you are going to have a serious conversation, turn off the dildo, put it down, and step away unless you are on Chaturbate, but then no one cares what you are saying anyway.

Sex Toy Care, Maintenance & Disposal (Short Version)

Sex toys are not exactly cheap.  Taking appropriate steps to care for and clean them will extend the shelf life.  Yes, there is an expiration date on sex toys.  If you are anything like me, I get attached to my little helpers, and when I have to let them go….it’s emotional.  Maintenance will keep you safe from infection and injury, so it is worth a read.

Sex Toy Shelf Life

Sex toys have a bedroom life.  A wonderful toy-human relationship can go on for years if nurtured.  There are signs that will reveal their bedroom life is over, and they should be retired.  Always inspect your toy before and after use.  If you see:

  • Abrasions or tears
  • Melting
  • Not charging correctly
  • Missing pieces
  • The motor is too loud or struggling
  • Anything that is not in order

It is time to say goodbye with a ceremony befitting of the good times you have had together.

Sex Toy Storage & Cleaning

It is essential to wash your toys both before and after you have used them and properly store them.  Do not merely toss the toys in a drawer.  Things to do:

  • Remove batteries when not in use
  • Avoid Tupperware or plastic bags (chemicals can transfer to your toy)
  • Wrap the toy in cloth (most toys come with their own cloth bag)
  • Consider purchasing a locking toybox

The cleaning agents you use for your sex toy are dictated mainly by the material that your toy is made of.  Most toys will tell you how you should clean them and sell a specific cleaning product.  In most cases, a mild, unscented hand soap will do the trick.  There are also several misters and toy cleaners that are safe agents, such as:

Adam and Eve 4 in 1 Pure and Clean Foaming Toy Cleaner 8 Oz

or

ID Toy Cleaner Mist 4.4 Oz

The list below may help you identify the proper cleaning agent:

  • NEVER submerge batteries in water
  • Avoid antibacterial soaps as they leave a residue
  • Soap & Water: Most toys, including Silicone and glass – avoid dishwashers due to warping
  • Dishwasher Safe: Pyrex & Stainless Steel

Sex Toy Disposal

Most people will discard their toys with their usual trash, but there is a better option.  In the interest of a green world and a $10 coupon for your next toy purchase, Scarlet Girl will recycle your unwanted toys.  

DIY:  When You Want Something Done Right…

Most men love tools and toys.  When you can combine both of those loves into a homemade sex toy, Wowza, the best orgasm of your life.  I came across a men’s forum where men share their ideas for making homemade sex toys.

I sat awestruck and fascinated with the creativity and the innovative ingredients they used.  I was incredibly amazed by how openly men discussed what tools to use and how their workshops were laid out.  Some even said they had tried another’s idea of a toy and gave his spin on how he did it.  I loved how most men indicated they had been working with a substance and thought, “that would be nice to stick my dick in,” –so they made it!

The most intriguing thing about this is that these are men that have the funds to purchase sex toys but rather tap into their handy skills and make them.  Men, I applaud you.  I found it so infatuating that I brought some of the ideas here if anyone wants to give it a go.  I type this as my husband waves his hand furiously in the air to volunteer… genuinely amazing.  Please do make sure that you are safe; I am not responsible for any adverse outcomes.

Nerfing it

Take1 Nerf Football (https://amzn.to/3oxuw3Q). Hollow out a hole and line it with a pair of panties or some other cloth.  Insert your member, squeeze the football, and go for a long pass.

Scrunchie Bunch

If you have a woman in the house, you most likely have an endless supply of scrunchies.  Simply wrap one around your beast snugly to serve as a cock ring.

Towel Pocket

Flatten a towel out on a table and put a latex glove inside it, making sure that some of the glove is hanging out.  Roll up the towel with the latex inside.  Fold the outside of the latex over the ends.  Apply lube, and you are on your way. 

Ice It

Reusable ice packs can give you a completely new experience.  Place a latex glove or condom between two reusable gel ice packs and bind it with rubber bands or zip ties.  

Health Benefits Of Self-Maintenance

Not only is safe care fun, but it also has several physical and mental benefits.  Introducing a healthy schedule of self-maintenance into your daily routine will help you with:

  • Relieving stress
  • Have a positive effect on your overall mood
  • Sleep better
  • Enhance your overall sex life and performance
  • Relieve menstrual cramps
  • Understand what you like and what you don’t
  • Promote self-love & increased self-esteem
  • Increase muscle tone in your pelvis and anus
  • Relax
  • May lower risk of prostate cancer
  • Feel Pleasure

As long as your self-maintenance isn’t getting in the way of your work, there are no side effects, it’s easy, and there is absolutely no reason to not feel comfortable in your skin and increase your quality of life.  Get your party on and celebrate yourself.  For a little added enjoyment, try our warming lotion: Warming Masturbator Lube – 2 Oz.

And that brings us to the moment you have all been waiting for:

The Top 10 List of Sex Toy Must-Haves For 2022!

Toy #1: Wellness Dilator Kit

The Wellness Silicone Dilator Set is carefully crafted for your comfort. Each vaginal dilator in this affordable 4-piece kit features a straight shape and rounded tip to avoid cervical irritation. With 4 differently sized dilators, starting at only 0.5 inches in width, the Wellness Set lets you start small and move upward in size whenever you feel ready. These dilators’ heart-shaped bases are a cute, playful touch! Plus, the satin-smooth silicone feels luxurious to the touch. Use with your favorite quality water-based lubricant for easier insertion. Made of 100% platinum cured silicone, the Wellness Dilator Set is hypoallergenic, non-porous, and easy to clean.

Toy #2: Adult Charades

Adult Charades is an adults-only version of the classic party game. Players take turns acting out things like “Horny Devil”, “Mr. Woodcock” and “The Little Man in the Boat” and try to get their teammates to guess as many answers as possible each turn within a minute. The winning team is the team with the most correct answers after each player has performed three times.

Toy #3: Shegasm Travel Sidekick 10x Suction Clit Stimulator

This is too good, I take it everywhere with me, which is why I recommend the travel size.  Take this lightweight toy wherever you go and bring pleasure into your own hands! No need to wait for someone else to stimulate your clit, you can enjoy this clit-sucking toy when it pleases you. The velvety exterior is soft to the touch, firm yet lightweight, and ergonomically designed to be easy to use without strain on your wrist or hand.

Toy #4: A-Play – Anal Desensitizing Lubricant

Anal penetration should be exciting and sensual, not uncomfortable. That’s why Doc Johnson offers A-Play’s Desensitizing Lubricant, an anal analgesic, to desensitize tender rectal tissues and prepare them for what lies ahead.

Toy #5: Pretty Love August Optional Vibration Smartphone Bluetooth Control

This fabulous 12-function silicone vibrator is the ideal sex toy to increase the passion for you and your partner. The gorgeous silicone material has a velvet finish for an amazing feel on the skin and a 12-function vibrator for incredible sensation deep into your nerve endings. The toy is designed to fit against her body, massaging effects of the toy as well. This is a waterproof toy and so you never have to run out of steam, it is USB rechargeable and is controlled by a mobile phone.

Toy #6 Zolo Heatstroke

The ZOLO Heatstroke is a male masturbator with a warming function that uses patented pulsating technology to provide a truly unique experience. The LED display keeps you updated on exactly what is happening, with warming mode, battery level, vibration pattern indicators, and a stroke counter great for endurance training and play. The included travel bag makes sure you can take your Heatstroke anywhere!

Toy #7 Frisky Charming Cherries Silicone Kegel Exercisers

Tone up your Kegel muscles with these brilliant cherry Kegel balls. Connected by an adorable green stem are two neon pink cherries that are weighted with an interior metal ball that will roll around during movement for extra stimulation. Made of premium silicone so they are non-porous and body safe, which makes them perfect for extended wear. Simply insert the balls and squeeze your Kegel muscles to keep them in. Removal is easy with the attached pull cord. Enjoy!

Toy #8 Babydoll and G-String 

Inject some serious sex appeal into your wardrobe with this sexy mesh and lace babydoll. Halter-style top offers adequate coverage while still displaying maximum cleavage. Comes with a matching g-string.

Toy #9 Bondage Bed Strap

Kinky bondage is now possible anywhere, anytime you want it with the Bondage Bed Strap that easily and effectively can be used to restrain your partner and attach him/her to just about anything you please. The durable strap is sturdy while its cuffs feature soft, plush lining for comfort. The Bondage Bed Strap is also adjustable to ensure a secure, comfortable fit on every slave. The set also comes with a blindfold to turn up the excitement with thrilling sensory play.

Toy #10 10-Function Risque G-Vibe

Seamless sleek and super slim. 10 intense functions of vibration pulsation and escalation. The state-of-the-art chip resumes the last function used.  Whisper quiet. G-spot and vaginal stimulation.

Now It’s A Party

Sex toys have a long history with an intoxicating flurry of progression that has carried well past 30,000 years and is sure to continue for as long as there is life on earth.  As technology breaks barriers of distance and possibility, we are sure to experience heightened sexual encounters, maybe even those of the third kind.  Play safe and play often.

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